The Move

People seem surprised how calm I am about the move!  We are changing ministries from a large Baptist church in Bristol to missional listening in rural Dorset where there is no church.  Gracie (7) is changing schools, Anna (4) changing preschool and Ez as well as being mother to these two and Bethany (2) is seven months pregnant with a fourth (this time a boy).  We go from the settled position of stipend, manse, pension and expenses to trusting in God for funding.  Remarkably I am calm! Or so I thought!

I was watching England versus Ireland six nations rugby match on my laptop.  The TV had something on from the Disney channel or Nick Jr! During the second half, I had a sudden pain in my side under my left arm.  My arm also felt painful.  Instantly I came over all anxious.  I am having a heart attack!  I look it up on google because that’s what I always do, and yes, every single symptom is a sign that I am having a heart attack.  I have lots of people in my church who are doctors but I can’t ring them, they will just say told you so! (I am very overweight).  I am too proud to ring an ambulance.  My wife thinks I am over reacting! (As usual).  I decide to have a bath!  During that time, I am still sure I am having a heart attack – so I pray - ‘Lord I am far too proud to talk to anybody, and too proud to get an ambulance – so how about some healing?  Or how about some peace that it’s something else less sinister?’ I get a phone call in the bath and it’s a deacon phoning up to apologise for the way she had spoken to me earlier in a meeting (I hadn’t noticed).  I end up telling her about my heart attack!  She laughs and says I have just pulled a muscle in my side and she had experienced the exact same thing.  After a while I realised I had had a full-on panic attack and though on the outside all seemed fine – the worry going on internally was quite immense and the thought of having a heart attack tipped me over the edge.  I experienced this every Saturday until finishing my role.  It was as if preaching on a Sunday was the last straw for my body that was already worried about how children would cope with the move, how we would afford to live and what would my job be?  The deacon phoning was a sign that it would all be O.K. and that God will be with us no matter what.  Providence!

The day before we moved to the new house was the last time at her current school for Gracie.  Ez and the other girls had already gone to Dorset.  I picked Gracie up from school and it was the most emotional place I had been (and I have done my fair share of tragic funerals) and I was introduced to what was my hardest day as a parent.  Gracie’s class were surrounding her in a group hug, and as they pulled away children were crying and the upset was tangible.  As Gracie joined me, one of her friends was crying uncontrollably (I promise I am only exaggerating a little), so I encouraged Gracie to give one more comforting hug.  The hug began as the two of them but then another class group hug broke out!  I usher Gracie on, her last memory of her school a group hug and her friends emotional.  It took to the other side of the field until Gracie broke down with the emotion of it all.  Tears poured, wailing commenced and statements started to be spoken.  Statements as a Dad you don’t want to here on the eve of a sizable move, she said: ‘I don’t want to go’, ‘I am going to miss my friends’, ‘I don’t want to leave my school’ and worst still ‘I don’t want to move, I want to stay here in Bristol’.

We got home and I put her on the phone to Mummy and she got upset and repeated the statements down the phone, only this time to have tears flow the other way.  After an hour or so, I asked Gracie if she would like to have prayer.  She said she would because it hurt here (pointing to her heart).  We prayed.  Not the most child friendly prayer I have ever prayed but one I might pray on a pastoral visit.  I laid hands and prayed and allowed silence and gave space for Gracie to talk to God and God to speak to Gracie.  It was a powerful time, father and daughter praying together.  After we finished I asked Gracie if she felt anything, was anything now different because we had prayed.  She replied ‘I did, I felt God, it was as if my whole heart was knotted and with a whoosh it became unknotted.  I know I am going to miss my friends but now I know God will be with me when we move.  And what’s more Daddy, I now know what you mean when you say God speaks, and we can know His peace’.   Praise God!!!

So, the move…  We are scared and worried.  We do not have all the answers to are deep questions.  We do not have all the I’s and lower case j’s dotted, but we know that God has called us, will walk with us, and give us direction and strength when it is needed, and that is enough for us!   So… we move! 

May you know the God that walks with you, whose presence brings strength, and whom promises to be there through the easy and hard times, the happy and the sad.  Why not ask him right now to remind you that he is with you?